Despite literally having the best abbreviation in the queer community (“ace!”), asexuality is often misunderstood and misrepresented. That’s why we’re answering the most searched-for questions about being asexual, including what asexuality means, when the term was coined, and the best content for understanding asexuality further.
After all, aces deserve more than the world only learning about asexuality through Sherlock Holmes fandom edits!
Questions about asexual identity
What is asexuality?
An asexual person, or “ace,” is someone who experiences little to no sexual attraction to others. They may, however, experience romantic and/or aesthetic attraction, but not necessarily!
Asexuality can be used as both an identity on its own and also a powerful umbrella word for the ace-spec community, bringing together a full spectrum of identities, including:
Aromantic: A person who does not experience romantic attraction, even if they may experience sexual and/or aesthetic attraction.
Aroace: Someone who experiences little or no romantic and sexual attraction.
Demisexual: A person who only experiences sexual attraction to someone once they have created a strong/close bond with them.
Greysexual or aceflux: Someone who experiences sexual attraction but limited, very rarely or with very low intensity. They may have fluctuating levels of sexual attraction.
Aegosexual: A person who experiences arousal without feeling sexual attraction.
Fraysexual: Someone who loses sexual attraction to someone over time.
What is being asexual like?
Like all identities, every ace has a different lived experience of asexuality. For Charlie (he/him), being asexual is:
“99% of the time, like being anyone else! Worrying about whether your car will pass its MOT and complaining about the cost of living, etc. However, for that 1%, my identity as a sex averse asexual can sometimes make it difficult to attend events or join communities where sex is a common theme discussed. I’ve somewhat accepted that most people don’t know what asexual means, but that doesn’t diminish who I am or how I identify in any way.”
How many people are asexual in the UK?
In the 2021 England and Wales Census, 28,000 people said they identified as asexual. However, wider research suggests that between 1% and 2% of adults identify with the term asexuality.
Does an asexual person kiss?
Yes, you can be ace and kiss. However, this depends completely on the individual’s personal boundaries. Some asexual folk view kissing as romantic instead of sexual, but others feel uncomfortable with kissing. It’s more of a case-by-case vibe.
How do you know if you might be asexual?
In a world of allonormativity (the assumption that everyone experiences sexual attraction) and compulsory sexuality (the assumption that sex is necessary), it can be hard to spot the signs that you might be asexual.
For Charlie (he/him), he realised he was part of the asexual community when he was a teenager:
“I didn’t share that desire for a boyfriend or girlfriend that everyone else around me had. When I was asked who I fancied, my mind remained blank! Suddenly, the media I started consuming became more and more centred on relationships, sexual tension and attraction — all things I realised I did not relate to at all.”
Some people realise they are ace early on. Others only discover the language later in life. You do not need to tick every box or have a dramatic moment of clarity to explore whether the label fits you.
What does the asexual flag look like?
Designed in 2010 by a member of the Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN), the asexual flag has four horizontal stripes. Each colour represents something different:
Black is for asexuality
Grey is for other ace-spec identities, such as demisexuality
White is for allosexuality (non-asexual partners and allies)
Purple represents the asexual community
Questions about asexual history
When was asexuality first defined?
The first-known reference to asexuality dates all the way back to 1860. Karl-Maria Kertbeny referred to those who don’t engage in sexual activity with others as ‘monosexual’ in his pamphlets against the criminalisation of same-sex relationships.
However, the term we use today was most closely defined in 1897 in the work by German sexologist Emma Trosse. ‘Sinnlichkeitslosigkeit’ can be translated to ‘Asensuality’ — and much easier to pronounce for non-German speakers!
How has asexuality been treated by the DSM?
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) only removed asexuality from its 2013 edition. This means up until then, a lack of sexual desire was considered a mental disorder by healthcare providers.
To put this into context, homosexuality was removed from the DSM in the 1970s. This shows there is still a long way to go for asexual folk to be properly understood and accepted in society.
When is International Asexuality Day?
International Asexuality Day (IAD) is celebrated every year on April 6th. The first IAD was in 2021 and was created to promote awareness and advocacy for those under the ace umbrella.
Questions about asexuality resources
What books can help me understand asexuality?
Whether you’re part of the asexual community or a fierce ally, books about asexuality can be a great way to find out about the ace experience.
Try these:
‘I am Ace’ by Cody Daigle-Orians (you may recognise him from Ace Dad Advice!)
‘Ace’ by Angela Chen
Various articles about the ace experience by asexual activist Yasmin Benoit
‘Loveless’ by Alice Oseman
‘Being Ace’ by Madeline Dyer
‘Ace in the UK’ by Stonewall and Yasmin Benoit
FAQ for Family & Friends by The Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN)
Are there support organisations for asexual young people?
There is plenty of support out there for young people who are ace — whatever point of the journey they’re on. For help and guidance online, try the many forums in The Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) and The Ace Hub by Stonewall. The Proud Trust runs ‘Queer & Far,’ an online youth group for the LGBTQ+ community aged 13 to 18 years old.
The Proud Trust also host a series of in-person LGBTQ+ youth groups across Greater Manchester boroughs (including the city centre), as well as ‘Sprinkles’ (8 to 12 years old), Dungeons and Dragons Group (16 to 21 years old) and Proud Young Adults (18 to 25 years old).
And remember, if it ever feels like things are too much, you can call or message Switchboard, the national LGBTQIA+ support line, or the LGBT Foundation.
Where can I find documentaries or video series exploring asexuality?
British asexual activist Yasmin Benoit did a great short documentary with Sky News that explores the lived experiences of being asexual. Better still, you can watch the whole thing on YouTube.
Alternatively, Slow (2023) is a beautiful film centred around the relationship between asexual interpreter Dovydas and non-asexual dancer Elena. The film was co-produced by Lithuania, Spain and Sweden, and is in Lithuanian — so, subs on!
Are there resources for navigating asexual relationships?
Figuring out how to navigate relationships as asexual can seem impossible in a world revolved around allosexuality. However, ‘The Ace and Aro Relationship Guide’ by Cody Daigle-Orians is a good start!
For those who love to digest their content digitally, we love Sounds Fake But Okay (a podcast with an aromantic asexual girl and a biromantic demisexual girl discussing love, relationships and all the rest!) and the AVEN forum for asexual relationships.
Where can I find asexual community events in the UK?
The easiest way to find asexual meet-ups is on the dedicated AVEN forum. Not only does this thread connect aces across the UK and Ireland, but it’s a great way to meet new people and expand your community.
As well as digital forums, Pluto meets in Manchester Museum on the 3rd Wednesday of the month, and Ace and Aro London hosts a monthly meet-up, book club and a wealth of other community events.
Celebrate being ace with our asexuality range
A big thanks to those who spoke to us about their personal experiences with asexuality!
Tilly Brogan
Tilly is a queer Freelance Copywriter based in Manchester. She balances her time between working with LGBTQ+ organisations and women’s rights charities - and people watching in various Manchester cafes. She is also a proud lesbian. You can read more of her work here.
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