The term ‘compulsory heterosexuality’, often shortened to ‘comphet’, has had a recent resurgence in popularity thanks to the Lesbian Renaissance. But this phrase is way older than Reneé Rapp’s shoot to mainstream stardom. And even older than the “Am I a Lesbian?” masterdoc (If you know, you know).
So what is compulsory heterosexuality? What are the signs of comphet? And how do you know if traditional social norms are stopping you from realising your true WLW potential?
What is compulsory heterosexuality (Comphet)?
Compulsory heterosexuality is the idea that our heteronormative and patriarchal society forces us to view every connection between a man and a woman as inherently sexual or romantic. That the only option for a Happy Ever After is to be straight — and everything is set up for this scenario.
Sadly, since we are all living under the patriarchy (and comphet is part of the patriarchy), it’s something every gender can experience. However, compulsory heterosexuality is largely discussed around the experience of queer women. Particularly those who attribute comphet to the reason they didn’t realise they were part of the sapphic community sooner.
What does compulsory heterosexuality feel like?
Experiencing compulsory heterosexuality can look different to everyone. For me, it was being absolutely obsessed with Billie Piper in Doctor Who, yet thinking it was just because “I wanted to be her.”
Other signs of comphet for women or AFAB individuals include, but are not limited to:
Enjoying the validation from men, but the moment it goes from attention to attraction, you’re not interested.
Having an unusually close friendship with a female friend growing up that felt really intense — if you’re no longer friends, it felt like a real break-up.
Being a ride-or-die LGBTQ+ “ally,” but telling yourself it’s because you’re just a really empathic straight person.
Having sex not out of desire for pleasure or closeness, but because you feel like you should be.
Difficulty picturing yourself in a queer relationship due to internalised homophobia; heterosexuality feels “normal.”
How Compulsory Heterosexuality Affects Lesbians and Queer Women
While comphet affects people of all genders, it particularly affects lesbians and queer women. This is because it goes hand in hand with misogyny, which makes us define all our sexualities and identities by our relationship to men.
Compulsory heterosexuality can also prevent you from exploring your sexuality. In my instance, it made me not consider being anything other than straight. When in actual fact, two opposite genders falling in love is just one of the many magical options out there.
There’s also the fact that comphet isn’t just a lesbian thing. Bisexual and pansexual individuals can be big, big victims of compulsory heterosexuality, among other queer identities. You can also be affected by comphet if you’ve enjoyed dating men in the past (but no longer want to pursue relationships with them) and now want to identify as solely living on the isle of Lesbos.
How Compulsory Heterosexuality Affects the Wider LGBTQ+ Community
Like all things, compulsory heterosexuality doesn’t exist in a vacuum, and it often works alongside other oppressive systems, like racism, ableism and classism. Also unsurprising, comphet is rooted in white colonial masculinity. This means that it affects anyone who doesn’t subscribe to this ideal, especially LGBTQ+ and transgender people of colour.
Can men experience compulsory heterosexuality?
While the term ‘compulsory heterosexuality’ was first used to describe the lesbian experience (more on this next), comphet affects all genders — including men. For example, a queer man may not realise he is part of the LGBTQ+ community because of comphet.
Who Coined the Term Compulsory Heterosexuality?
We can thank American poet and essayist Adrienne Rich for popularising the concept of comphet. In the 1980 essay “Compulsory Heterosexuality and Lesbian Existence,” Rich argues that comphet exists because men benefit from male-female relationships, whereas women get more from those with other women. Rich also argues that society creates a system of oppression by proposing heterosexuality as the only acceptable sexuality. Touché.
What is the “Am I a Lesbian?” masterdoc?
For many people (especially those who lived through the iconic Tumblr era of the 2010s), the “Am I a Lesbian?” masterdoc was the first glimpse into the world of compulsory heterosexuality. This 30-page PDF document was created by a 19-year-old Tumblr user, and includes a checklist of comphet signs that might mean you’re actually a lesbian.
It’s worth noting that this document isn’t perfect; it completely ignores bisexuality and pansexuality, with many readers taking issue that it implies anyattraction to men is a social conspiracy. However, there’s no doubt that the PDF helped so many people figure out their sexual identity — me included.
How to get over compulsory heterosexuality
The best way to get over compulsory heterosexuality is to recognise that it’s happening in the first place. Once you’ve done this, you can start exploring your identity outside of how we've been conditioned to do so.
This could be changing your settings on dating apps, surrounding yourself with people who accept your identity, or even just introducing more queer pop culture into your day-to-day life. However you choose to battle comphet, know that there is so much more out there than what we’ve been taught to think.
Frequently Asked Questions About Comphet
What does comphet mean?
Comphet is short for compulsory heterosexuality, the idea that society conditions people to view heterosexuality as the default or “normal” option.
Is compulsory heterosexuality the same as internalised homophobia?
Not exactly. Comphet refers to social conditioning towards heterosexuality, while internalised homophobia relates to absorbing negative beliefs about queerness.
Can you realise you’ve experienced comphet later in life?
Yes. Many queer women recognise signs of comphet in hindsight, especially after exposure to queer communities or media.
Tilly Brogan
Tilly is a queer Freelance Copywriter based in Manchester. She balances her time between working with LGBTQ+ organisations and women’s rights charities - and people watching in various Manchester cafes. She is also a proud lesbian. You can read more of her work here.
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